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LOL what did I just watch?!
I was laughing my butt off. had to share it. The coffee filters and grandpa and the vagition, all great lines

Oh, and the girl kinda reminds me of Bri ;)
 

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Discussion Starter #63
Dog on a plane

A man had just boarded and settled down into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador in the middle seat between them. The first man looked quizzically at the dog and asked why the animal was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Drug Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffer dog'.

“His name is ‘Sniffer’ and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off and, once it leveled out, the handler said: “Watch this.” He then told Sniffer to “Search”.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle and, finally, sat purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. He then returned to his seat and put one paw on his handler's arm. His handler said, “Good boy”. He turned to the man
and said, “that woman is in possession of marijuana; I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Gee, that's pretty good,” replied the first man.

Once again, the handler sent Sniffer off to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his handler and this time placed two paws on his arm. The handler said, “two paws means that man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.” “I like it very much,” said the first man.

The handler then sent Sniffer off for a third time.
He walked up and down the aisles for a while, sat down for a few seconds beside another passenger and then came racing back to his handler, jumped into his middle seat and proceeded to have a dump.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't understand why a well-trained dog would behave like this. So he asked the handler, “What's going on?”

The handler replied nervously “he's just found a bomb.”
 

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Discussion Starter #64
HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said,'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......
______________________________
 

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A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived on scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Bimmer!”​
“You yuppies are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”​
“Oh, my!” screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. “My Rolex!”

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Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”

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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

 

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Discussion Starter #67
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds. No nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.... :)
 

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Discussion Starter #68
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day. Apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69.
 

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Discussion Starter #69
Why Get Married?


At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________

A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________

Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'
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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________

'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'

The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'
 

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Discussion Starter #70 (Edited)
Some British humour.


I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.


I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"


He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."


Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said, "That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"


"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."


________________________________________


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.


My next crap could spell disaster.


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Went out last night and got really wasted.


I woke up this morning next to a fat old bird who was snoring and farting ... so, at least I got home OK.


________________________________________


The wife's back on the warpath again.


She was up for making a home video last night and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
 

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Discussion Starter #71
Some more British humour.


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.


"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.


"German," she replies.


"Occupation?


"No, just here for a few days."


________________________________________


As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:


"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"


The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."


________________________________________


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.


Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


________________________________________


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.


Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.


So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.
 

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Discussion Starter #72
A little bit more British humour.

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.


I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.


Then I remembered - the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.


________________________________________


Got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.


The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.


________________________________________


I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Terrorist sneaking through next door's garden.


Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.


He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.


Astonished, I got back into bed.


My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"


"You'll never believe what I've just seen!" I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."


________________________________________


A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:


"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."


Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six
drug dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit"


The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"


"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 

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Discussion Starter #73
"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.
 

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Discussion Starter #75
An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'. The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research.

He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions.

"No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead.

"Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?"

"Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em"

"Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?"

"Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites."

"So, how exactly do you .... do it?"

"Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo"

The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses.

"Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate."

Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging, Australia.

Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door.

He repeats his questions to the farmer

"Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!"

"So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them."

The Aussie is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter:

"Well, you've got to kiss 'em first!"
 

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Two Democrats on an escalator


Nice! But I would have said two Trump supporters, except that one is a woman and the other is African American...
 
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