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Time to get your jokes on. Post anything here as long as it doesn't offend .. and try and keep them clean(ish).

This is a breaking story from the UK. The Brits have the lowest stress rates because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology.

 

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It's not so much of a joke but I found it interesting. I read an insurance study (you know -- an actuarial) which can be sort of boring. It showed that single men died significantly younger than married men; however, it found that married men were more willing to die.
 

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Once there was a zebra who wondered if he was black with white stripes or white with black stripes. The zebra went to his friend and asked him what he thinks and his friend said "I'm not sure. Why not pray to God and ask him what you are?" So that night he did just that. He prayed and asked God, "Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?" and God said, "You are what you are." The next day he went and said to his friend "He only said 'You are what you are.'" Then his friend told him "Well, you must be white with black stripes then." When the zebra asked him why, he said "Well, if you were black with white stripes, God would have said 'Yo is what yo is.'"
 

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A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.


'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..


Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
Demands an explanation.


'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
........

'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'​



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-Jack Bauer
Chuck Norris is tough, but Jack Bauer is tougher. Walker Texas Ranger never had to deal with Terrorist and get things done in
24 hours….or did he? Anyway, Jack Bauer is tough, and he is the new man with the Random Facts.
1.If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
2.Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
3.If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
4.Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
5.Jack Bauer got Hellen Keller to talk.
6.Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
7.Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
8. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
9.If Jack says “I just want to talk to him/her” and that him/her is you… well amigo, you’re ****ed.
10.Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
11.Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
12.If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
13.When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
14.Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
15.If you are still conscious, it is because Jack Bauer doesn’t want to carry you.
16.Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
17.Jack Bauer’s gun is actually a water pistol, but the water shoots out in the form of bullets. Why? Because the gun is being held by Jack ****ing Bauer.
18.Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
19.As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
20.While being ‘put under’ in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
21.Jack Bauer can watch all 4 seasons of 24 in 24 hours.
22.Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
23.Jack Bauer’s family threw him a surprise birthday party when he was a child. Once.
24.Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.
25.Everytime Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
26.If Jack’s starring at someone and his eye twitches, assume that person has less than 15 minutes to live.
27.When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists.
Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
28.Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
29.David Spade always says ‘yes’ to Jack Bauer when he wants to redeem his credit card miles.
30.Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
 

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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo.
On the way back I stopped at the gas station to get some gas, and this drop dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my car and said in a very sexy voice,
"I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in a trade of sex for ammo?"


I thought it over for a few seconds and responded......"well, just what kind of ammo you got to trade?"​



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A couple of guys were out playing golf and kept coming up on two women playing a little slower. One of the guys says to the other, "Why don't you go up there and ask if we can just play through?" The other guy agrees and makes his way over the hill to the two women. A few seconds later he's hauling ass back to his friend. His friend asks, "What!? What happened?" The guy that came running back says, "I can't go talk to them. One is my wife and the other one is my mistress." His friend can't believe the luck of that and says "Fine! I'll go ask." A few seconds later he comes hauling ass back, too. His waiting friend says, "What now!?". To which the guy responds, "Small world."
 

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A guy goes into the doctor for his... umm... older guy annual check up. He goes into the examination room and the doctor starts the annual exam. As his doctor stands behind the bent over patient and starts to check his prostate, the doctor asks the patient if he wants to see a magic trick. Slightly grunting the patient answers, "Ok...". The doctor then asks, "Do you still feel that?", to which patient, responds with the same slight grunt, "Yes." The doctor proceeds to reach out his hands in front of the patient's face with thumbs up and says, "Ta da!!"

 

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I see the general sense of humor here.... Well, let's top it: after a shipwreck, three man and one woman strand on an isolated and hot tropical island. After several weeks on this island, they all felt increasing sexual needs and agreed that every night, the woman would sleep with one man. That worked out VERY well and they were all happy and lived quite comfortable. Unfortunately, after several months, the woman got sick and died. Now, the men had of course a big problem: although the first 2 days were just fine, later that week, it became already harder and after one week, it became really really hard and after two weeks, it became completely unbearable. The three men sat down and discussed their situation and then agreed to bury the woman.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender " Give me twenty shots of your best single malt scotch quick!"

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says " Wow. I never saw anybady drink that fast."

The man says " well you would drink as fast as I do if you had what I have."

The bartender says " Oh my god . what is it. what do you have?"

The man looks at him and says " Fifty cents."
 

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Discussion Starter #17
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
 

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Discussion Starter #18
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
 

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Discussion Starter #19
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
 
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